I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
