WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize