I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
