The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
