A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
