If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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