he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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