I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
