Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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