just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
