i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
