my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
from now on my penis is your penis
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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