Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Terrible idea I love it
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
