Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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