You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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