it's too hot outside to masturbate.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
