She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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