I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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