you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i dont even know how to be here
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
