i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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