erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
