Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
