Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize