We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
