we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
