I am puke
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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