2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
This is my gift to your gina
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
