So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize