Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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