I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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