Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
