You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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