Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
