It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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