You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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