the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
