Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
