May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
