So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize