It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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