youre lurking in front of me
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
