So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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