John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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