and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
