how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
