I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
