you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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