She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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