I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
FUCK WHALES
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
