I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I need moral support for this bender
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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