I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
