I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
