he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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