I puked a lego.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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