You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize