he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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