I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
