he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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