i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
