Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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