she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
