Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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