Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
