Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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