I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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