i permit you to call me
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
