The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
