I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I need to calm my uterus...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
